Passing time

So....I made it through the "first year". Truthfully, I'm not sure how I feel about that. Everyone kept telling me how hard the first year is; and it was. Birthdays, holidays, everyday. But there is a part of me that is sad the first year is over. I know, that sounds horrible. But the way I see it, the more time that passes, the farther away my mom is from me. I can't ever get that back. Memories are great and all (don't misunderstand, I am very grateful that I have memories of my mom) but you can't touch them or talk to them. The last time I talked to my mom will always be father and farther away, and there is NO comfort in that.

I think this is one of those perception things and obviously, I need another way to perceive all of this. No idea what that is though....

Trying to be thankful

One year ago today I was snapping at my grandmother because she wasn't cooking things the way my mom would. She wanted to add things to recipes, omit things, or just plan do it wrong. I knew this was going to be the last Thanksgiving that my mom would be a part of, I wanted as much of her there as possible. All my mom asked for was oyster stuffing and my grandmother was not going to make that easy. Seriously, we live in the middle of a desert and fresh oysters aren't real abundant. So the scene in the market probably didn't make a whole lot of sense to the people that were unfortunate enough to witness it. Anyway, we bought the oysters an she made the stuffing. I took a plate to the hospital for my mom and watching her eat her oyster stuffing made the rest of it seem inconsequential. I don't think I'll ever forget the image of my mom sitting in the dark in her chair eating her stuffing and making those goofy noises she never really realized came out of her.

I still can't believe she's not here. I want to see her in her nightgown cooking broccoli casserole. I want to see her sitting at the table with the sun in her eyes. I want to hear my grandfather tell her what a fantastic cook she is. I want to eat a turkey sandwhich that she made because when anyone else makes them, they don't taste right.

Does it mean I'm not thankful because I want all these things I can't have? I am thankful, at least I think I am. I love my dad, my brothers, my nieces and nephews. I have a great job and amazing kids. I own a house...blah blah blah. It's still hard to appreciate all these things without my mom.

Things I can't control

You know that point, when you're lying in bed and you are just about to fall asleep? When random events from the day are running through your head and none of it quite makes sense, but you are just about out and you really don't care? That is when images and thoughts of my mom, specifically the day she died come flooding in to my subconscious. I hate it. It's usually things that imediately make me sad and I'm no longer on that path to restful bliss. Instead, I'm left lying there with thoughts and images I can't control. Thoughts and images that break my heart all over again...listening to the last conversation that will ever be head between my brother and my mom...sitting on the floor of her hospital room listening to my Ipod...holding my mom's hand and telling her I'm not ready...they way she looked when she stopped breathing...I HATE IT.

Dreaming

I woke up in the middle of the night crying. My mom was in a dream, or at least someone who was supposed to be my mom. I think that's where the tears came from. All I remember is that I was walking towards this woman and she hugged me. She kept telling me that it's going to be alright. You would think that would be a great thing, except that's when I woke up hystercial. It was weird because the person in my dream didn't look like my mom, but it felt like it was supposed to be her. I wanted it to be her. I'm crushed that it wasn't comforting. Maybe I should quit wishing for things that aren't possible, but I would give anything to hug my mom.

When?

Does it get easier? I wake up every morning wishing I could remember my dreams. I haven't been able to remember them since my mom died. I keep hoping she'll come to me in my dreams, hoping that I can talk to her or see her. Is that crazy?

I want the sad to go away. It's not depression, I have that part under control, it's just sadness. It isn't there all the time, but it creeps up at odd times. When I'm driving, when I'm in the shower, when I'm standing outside with my dog. There are obvious things that trigger it, but then there are times it's just there. I almost feel guilty for wanting it to go away, because in some weird way it's like I won't miss her anymore. I want to be in a place where remembering her isn't sad. When does that happen?

What's the point?

This has probably been the hardest year of my life. Eight months ago, my mom died...a week after that, my dog (my 11 year old kid with fur) had to be put down. I'm in need of a place to put all that is swirling around in my head. Truthfully, I'm struggling with the idea of putting this out there. On some level it seems egocentric, but I guess that is the point really. Grief should be egocentric, it should be about healing yourself and when we talk to people about what we're feeling it's hard to do that without censoring ourselves.

I'm going to try this.

I'm going to put it all out there. The selfish, the sad, the angry, the confused, the happy and whatever else happens to come out at the time.

We'll see what happens...