It gets easier to not wake up crying, but it doesn’t get easier to live without my mom. The feelings of emptiness and loneliness don’t get easier. They’ve almost seemed to spread. Everyone else has gone on with their lives and there is a gigantic part of mine that has come to a screeching halt. How do I talk about all of this without being depressing?? I’m back at the point where I can’t talk about her without crying, which is not fun for other people. My mom is the person that I would call to talk to about something like this and I can’t. I don’t have anyone else in my life who is willing to love me and listen to me unconditionally. Someone who will let me get out all of my insane and judgmental thoughts. Someone who won’t try to fix me, but will just let me vent. My dad tries, but he doesn’t remember people which requires me to explain everything, numerous times. He also tries to fix everything which requires me to filter what I say and that completely defeats the purpose.
This all goes for positive things too. I went to a wedding this past weekend and I wanted to badly to call my mom and tell her all about it. i reconnected with my bf from high school and I wanted to share that with my mom. I tried to share with my dad, and bless his heart he tried, but he doesn’t remember any of the people I was talking about or the relationships I had with them, so it turned out to be a very short conversation.
I feel like I keep asking this…but how do I do this? How do I continue to experience things without being able to share them with my mom?? How do I think about her without turning into a weepy mess?
