Dreaming

I woke up in the middle of the night crying. My mom was in a dream, or at least someone who was supposed to be my mom. I think that's where the tears came from. All I remember is that I was walking towards this woman and she hugged me. She kept telling me that it's going to be alright. You would think that would be a great thing, except that's when I woke up hystercial. It was weird because the person in my dream didn't look like my mom, but it felt like it was supposed to be her. I wanted it to be her. I'm crushed that it wasn't comforting. Maybe I should quit wishing for things that aren't possible, but I would give anything to hug my mom.

When?

Does it get easier? I wake up every morning wishing I could remember my dreams. I haven't been able to remember them since my mom died. I keep hoping she'll come to me in my dreams, hoping that I can talk to her or see her. Is that crazy?

I want the sad to go away. It's not depression, I have that part under control, it's just sadness. It isn't there all the time, but it creeps up at odd times. When I'm driving, when I'm in the shower, when I'm standing outside with my dog. There are obvious things that trigger it, but then there are times it's just there. I almost feel guilty for wanting it to go away, because in some weird way it's like I won't miss her anymore. I want to be in a place where remembering her isn't sad. When does that happen?

What's the point?

This has probably been the hardest year of my life. Eight months ago, my mom died...a week after that, my dog (my 11 year old kid with fur) had to be put down. I'm in need of a place to put all that is swirling around in my head. Truthfully, I'm struggling with the idea of putting this out there. On some level it seems egocentric, but I guess that is the point really. Grief should be egocentric, it should be about healing yourself and when we talk to people about what we're feeling it's hard to do that without censoring ourselves.

I'm going to try this.

I'm going to put it all out there. The selfish, the sad, the angry, the confused, the happy and whatever else happens to come out at the time.

We'll see what happens...