Trying to be thankful

One year ago today I was snapping at my grandmother because she wasn't cooking things the way my mom would. She wanted to add things to recipes, omit things, or just plan do it wrong. I knew this was going to be the last Thanksgiving that my mom would be a part of, I wanted as much of her there as possible. All my mom asked for was oyster stuffing and my grandmother was not going to make that easy. Seriously, we live in the middle of a desert and fresh oysters aren't real abundant. So the scene in the market probably didn't make a whole lot of sense to the people that were unfortunate enough to witness it. Anyway, we bought the oysters an she made the stuffing. I took a plate to the hospital for my mom and watching her eat her oyster stuffing made the rest of it seem inconsequential. I don't think I'll ever forget the image of my mom sitting in the dark in her chair eating her stuffing and making those goofy noises she never really realized came out of her.

I still can't believe she's not here. I want to see her in her nightgown cooking broccoli casserole. I want to see her sitting at the table with the sun in her eyes. I want to hear my grandfather tell her what a fantastic cook she is. I want to eat a turkey sandwhich that she made because when anyone else makes them, they don't taste right.

Does it mean I'm not thankful because I want all these things I can't have? I am thankful, at least I think I am. I love my dad, my brothers, my nieces and nephews. I have a great job and amazing kids. I own a house...blah blah blah. It's still hard to appreciate all these things without my mom.