Thanksgiving #3

It’s really hard to believe sometimes that it’s been 3 years since I sat in a hospital room with my mom talking about wigs, oyster stuffing and chemo.  I don’t think I truly realized how much I loved

Technorati Tags: thanksgiving,traditions,kids

Thanksgiving until this year.  I’m pretty sure it was one of my mom’s favorite holidays and now I get it; that magic that was created while we all sat around waiting to eat her wonderful food.  I’m thinking I need to talk to my brother about starting slightly new traditions.  This year we wait to eat until Friday because his ex-wife had the kids during the afternoon on Thursday.  Things weren’t the same.  I think when that happens again, we need to have a special Thanksgiving breakfast with the kids and then still eat dinner on Thursday.  I know my mom used to say that a holiday is just a day, which I believe.  But I also believe it is what you make of it.  I miss you mom…everyday!

Oh yeah, I can’t call you!!

It gets easier to not wake up crying, but it doesn’t get easier to live without my mom.  The feelings of emptiness and loneliness don’t get easier.  They’ve almost seemed to spread.  Everyone else has gone on with their lives and there is a gigantic part of mine that has come to a screeching halt.  How do I talk about all of this without being depressing??  I’m back at the point where I can’t talk about her without crying, which is not fun for other people.  My mom is the person that I would call to talk to about something like this and I can’t.  I don’t have anyone else in my life who is willing to love me and listen to me unconditionally.  Someone who will let me get out all of my insane and judgmental thoughts.  Someone who won’t try to fix me, but will just let me vent.  My dad tries, but he doesn’t remember people which requires me to explain everything, numerous times.  He also tries to fix everything which requires me to filter what I say and that completely defeats the purpose. 

This all goes for positive things too.  I went to a wedding this past weekend and I wanted to badly to call my mom and tell her all about it.  i reconnected with my bf from high school and I wanted to share that with my mom.  I tried to share with my dad, and bless his heart he tried, but he doesn’t remember any of the people I was talking about or the relationships I had with them, so it turned out to be a very short conversation.

I feel like I keep asking this…but how do I do this?  How do I continue to experience things without being able to share them with my mom??  How do I think about her without turning into a weepy mess?

Everyday

I miss my mom!

Packing things away

After putting it off for a very long time, I sat in my mom’s closet yesterday and went through her clothes.  My grandmother has agreed to make me a quilt from the items I choose.  It wasn’t as an emotional experience as I thought it would be, which is good is suppose.  I had no desire to cry in that closet again.  It was difficult to choose clothes though.  Some things were no brainers, others not so easy.  I’m afraid that I’m going to forget something.  I don’t want to forget….anything.  My dad has agreed to let me go through everything again, so that I don’t leave anything out.  I’m looking forward to the day when I can wrap myself up in my mom…

Passing time

So....I made it through the "first year". Truthfully, I'm not sure how I feel about that. Everyone kept telling me how hard the first year is; and it was. Birthdays, holidays, everyday. But there is a part of me that is sad the first year is over. I know, that sounds horrible. But the way I see it, the more time that passes, the farther away my mom is from me. I can't ever get that back. Memories are great and all (don't misunderstand, I am very grateful that I have memories of my mom) but you can't touch them or talk to them. The last time I talked to my mom will always be father and farther away, and there is NO comfort in that.

I think this is one of those perception things and obviously, I need another way to perceive all of this. No idea what that is though....

Trying to be thankful

One year ago today I was snapping at my grandmother because she wasn't cooking things the way my mom would. She wanted to add things to recipes, omit things, or just plan do it wrong. I knew this was going to be the last Thanksgiving that my mom would be a part of, I wanted as much of her there as possible. All my mom asked for was oyster stuffing and my grandmother was not going to make that easy. Seriously, we live in the middle of a desert and fresh oysters aren't real abundant. So the scene in the market probably didn't make a whole lot of sense to the people that were unfortunate enough to witness it. Anyway, we bought the oysters an she made the stuffing. I took a plate to the hospital for my mom and watching her eat her oyster stuffing made the rest of it seem inconsequential. I don't think I'll ever forget the image of my mom sitting in the dark in her chair eating her stuffing and making those goofy noises she never really realized came out of her.

I still can't believe she's not here. I want to see her in her nightgown cooking broccoli casserole. I want to see her sitting at the table with the sun in her eyes. I want to hear my grandfather tell her what a fantastic cook she is. I want to eat a turkey sandwhich that she made because when anyone else makes them, they don't taste right.

Does it mean I'm not thankful because I want all these things I can't have? I am thankful, at least I think I am. I love my dad, my brothers, my nieces and nephews. I have a great job and amazing kids. I own a house...blah blah blah. It's still hard to appreciate all these things without my mom.

Things I can't control

You know that point, when you're lying in bed and you are just about to fall asleep? When random events from the day are running through your head and none of it quite makes sense, but you are just about out and you really don't care? That is when images and thoughts of my mom, specifically the day she died come flooding in to my subconscious. I hate it. It's usually things that imediately make me sad and I'm no longer on that path to restful bliss. Instead, I'm left lying there with thoughts and images I can't control. Thoughts and images that break my heart all over again...listening to the last conversation that will ever be head between my brother and my mom...sitting on the floor of her hospital room listening to my Ipod...holding my mom's hand and telling her I'm not ready...they way she looked when she stopped breathing...I HATE IT.